{Part 3} Gaslighting 101
Recognizing Gaslighting, Setting Boundaries, and Recovery
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This is part three in a series about gaslighting. If you’re new here, please read Part One and Part Two first.
Recognizing Gaslighting
So what do you do if you suspect someone is gaslighting you?
Notice Patterns: Pay attention to repeated invalidation or denial of your experiences [e.g., “That never happened.” “You’re overreacting.” “This is all your fault.”]
Keep Records: Journaling or documenting events can help you verify your reality. I’ve created a Gaslighting Tracker to help you with this. Sometimes you need to see the information/details on paper for it to become real and validate what you already suspect. You can find the tracker here in Kim’s Therapy Space.
Seek Outside Perspective: Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist who can provide you with feedback, suggestions, or guidance.
Trust Your Intuition: If you feel persistently confused or manipulated, trust that intuition. You usually feel this deep in your gut.
How to Set Boundaries When Dealing with Gaslighting
As a reminder:
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic used to make someone question their reality, memories, or perceptions. It is a covert (secretive/stealthy/disguised) form of emotional abuse.
Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be challenging because if they suspect you are pulling away from them, they may resist or attempt to manipulate you further.
However, boundaries are necessary to protect your emotional and psychological well-being. Boundaries are a good thing so let’s talk about them.
1. Get Clear on What Your Boundaries Are
Identify Behaviors to Address: What specific actions from the gaslighter make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe? Examples might include denial of your experiences, belittling comments, or dismissive behavior.
Know Your Limits: Decide what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate, and consider how you’ll respond if the gaslighter crosses the line.
2. Communicate Boundaries Clearly and Calmly
When addressing a gaslighter, use assertive but neutral language.
Use “I” Statements: Focus on how their behavior affects you instead of accusing them. For example, instead of: “You’re always lying to me,” say: “I feel hurt when my experiences are dismissed, and I need to be heard and respected.”
Be Specific: Outline the behavior you want to stop and state the consequence if it continues. Example: “If you continue to deny my reality or call me crazy, I will step away from the conversation.”
3. Avoid Defensiveness or Over-Explaining
Gaslighters often exploit arguments to regain control or wear you down. To prevent that, stick to the point. Don’t get drawn into debating or defending your perception of events.
Repeat your “I” statements if necessary and if the gaslighter pushes back or tries to bait you into an argument, calmly restate your position.
4. Be Prepared for Pushback
Gaslighters often react poorly to boundaries because they challenge their need/desire for control.
Common responses to being presented with boundaries:
Playing the Victim: Claiming you’re being unfair or unreasonable.
Escalating Manipulation: Amplifying guilt-tripping or denial.
Testing Your Limits: Violating boundaries to see if you’ll enforce them.
Stay firm and remind yourself that you’re taking your power back.
5. Enforce Consequences Consistently
Boundaries lose their power if they’re not upheld. Decide on specific actions you’ll take if your boundaries are violated, and follow through.
Examples:
Limit Conversations: “If you continue to raise your voice, I’m ending this call.”
Distance Yourself: “I won’t meet up again if my feelings continue to be dismissed.”
6. Seek Support
Dealing with gaslighting is emotionally exhausting and it can be even more so once you start setting boundaries.
Turn to Trusted Allies: Share your experiences with friends, family, or a therapist for perspective and support.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that rebuild your confidence and sense of self.
Consider Professional Help: Therapy can equip you with tools to manage gaslighter interactions and to reclaim your sense of power.
7. Know When to Walk Away
In some cases, gaslighting is so entrenched in the person’s personality and character that the only way to protect yourself is to end contact with the gaslighter. Research shows that gaslighters often exhibit traits aligned with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)*** and persons with NPD are very resistant to change.
How to Recover from Gaslighting Abuse
If you’ve spent time in an interpersonal relationship where you were consistently gaslit and the relationship is over, you will need time to recover.
Recovering from gaslighting involves rebuilding your sense of self, regaining trust in your perceptions, and healing from the emotional harm caused by manipulation.
Recommended steps for recovery:
1. Reconnect with Your Reality
Gaslighting often leaves victims doubting their experiences and memories. Rebuilding trust in your reality is essential.
Journal Your Thoughts and Experiences: Write down events, emotions, and conversations. This creates a record that reinforces your reality and helps you identify patterns of manipulation. Example Prompt: “What happened in the conversation? How did it make me feel? What do I know to be true?”
Reality Check with Trusted People: Share your experiences with friends, family, or a therapist who can offer objective perspectives and validate your feelings.
Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like grounding exercises or meditation can help you stay present and in tune with your emotions and environment. I talk about grounding in this post here.
2. Rebuild Self-Trust
Gaslighting erodes confidence in your instincts, decision-making, and perception of reality. Strengthen these skills with:
Small Decisions: Start by trusting yourself with everyday choices, such as what to eat or wear, what TV shows to watch or what to do in your free time to help you rebuild confidence.
Affirmations: Use positive self-talk to counteract negative self-talk. Examples include “My feelings are valid” or “I can trust my perceptions.”
Body Awareness: Learn to listen to your body. Take note of tight shoulder muscles, jaw clenching, your heart racing, feelings of anxiety, or unease. What thought preceded these physical reactions?
3. Set Boundaries Moving Forward
Part of recovery involves protecting yourself from further manipulation.
Learn to Say No: Practice asserting your needs and turning down requests that feel uncomfortable or harmful.
Enforce Limits: Communicate what behaviors you won’t tolerate and follow through with consequences if boundaries are violated.
Distance Yourself: If possible, reduce or cut contact with the gaslighter to create space for healing.
4. Rebuild Your Self-Esteem
Gaslighting often damages self-worth, making this an essential part of recovery.
Celebrate Wins: Acknowledge small victories and progress to rebuild your sense of accomplishment.
Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.
Focus on Strengths: Reflect on your qualities and achievements to remind yourself of your value.
5. Process the Psychological and Emotional Impact
The damage caused by gaslighting should not be ignored.
From Gaslighting 101 {Part One}:
Victims of gaslighting often experience emotional and psychological harm like:
Erosion of Self-Confidence: Doubting your thoughts and decisions.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: Constantly second-guessing interactions.
Depression and Hopelessness: Feeling powerless or trapped.
Cognitive Fog: Difficulty concentrating or trusting your memory.
Loss of Identity: Over time, you may feel disconnected from yourself.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Relationships and support systems suffer because who can you trust?
Therapy: A therapist can help you unpack the trauma, process emotions, and develop strategies to rebuild your sense of self. As a trained therapist, I think most people would benefit from therapy.
As a former therapy client, I believe most people would benefit from therapy. 🤷🏼♀️
Recognize Emotional Triggers: Identify situations, words, or behaviors that remind you of the abuse and practice coping mechanisms to handle them.
Allow Yourself to Feel: Gaslighting often suppresses emotions. Learn how to find a safe space so you can learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions.
6. Educate Yourself
Understanding gaslighting can help you recognize it and avoid falling into similar patterns in the future. Educate yourself by reading books, articles, or attending workshops about emotional abuse and manipulation. This is WHY I decided to write this series on gaslighting. It amazes me how many people think that gaslighting is not real.
Gaslighting is 100% real.
7. Build a Support System
Isolation is frequently used by gaslighters so [re]connecting with others is crucial towards healing.
Rekindle relationships: Reach out to friends and family members who support and validate you or those you were previously isolated from.
Join Support Groups: Connecting with others who’ve experienced gaslighting can provide comfort, insight, and make you feel less alone. Tip: Search for Narcissist Abuse Support Groups
8. Give Yourself Grace
Gaslighting often leaves people feeling ashamed or weak for not recognizing or putting a stop to the abuse sooner.
Be Compassionate: Remind yourself that manipulation is not your fault and that you did the best you could in the situation.
Focus on Growth: Shift your perspective to the lessons learned and the resilience you’ve gained from surviving the experience.
Healing from gaslighting is not linear and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to celebrate the progress made along the way.
Remember, gaslighting is about control and manipulation and it is a form of abuse. Gaslighting can and will erode your self-esteem, cause you to question your reality, and create long-term psychological and emotional harm. Once you’ve learned the techniques that gaslighters use [ minimizing, denying, blame-shifting, etc.,] you can take your power back by resisting and reaffirming your reality [not the gaslighter’s]. You’ll also have the knowledge to recognize red flags in future relationships.
You deserve to be happy, healthy, and free from the cruelty of gaslighting.
Be well,
Kim
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Citations:
***Boring, R.L. (2020). Implications of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Organizational Resilience. In: Arezes, P., Boring, R. (eds) Advances in Safety Management and Human Performance. AHFE 2020. Advances in Intelligent Systems and Computing, vol 1204. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-50946-0_35