Gaslighting 101
Part One
Backward Facing Therapy contains soulful + insightful stories from my time as a therapist, and therapy client. Sit by me as we work on our mental health together. Posts are informational and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health care. Please consider supporting my work by becoming a paid subscriber. Your paid subscription includes access to Kim’s Therapy Space which contains journals, guides, and other therapeutic tools to download.
I never said that. Why are you making things up?
I told you to stop nagging me but you didn’t. It’s your fault I ended up hitting you.
Everyone else agrees that you’re not right in the head. You’re the one with the problem, not me.
These statements do not come from a book of fiction. They are things that were said during some of my family therapy sessions.
And without knowing the context behind the statements, how do you feel when you read the second one?
If you feel outraged, it’s because you know the speaker is blaming the victim for his/her actions. This is a perfect example of gaslighting.
Gaslighting 101
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic used to make someone question their reality, memories, or perceptions. It is a covert (secretive/stealthy/disguised) form of emotional abuse.
The term originates from the 1938 play and 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the lights and denying any change when she notices.
If you’ve ever been a victim of gaslighting, you know that it’s a cruel tactic that causes you to question your sanity.
What some people don’t realize is that gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships, it can also occur in family relationships, medical settings, the workplace, friendships, by government officials, and in culture and gender dynamics.
What I want to make crystal clear is that gaslighting is toxic and a form of abuse. It is not healthy in any type of relationship.
Key hallmarks of gaslighting
Common hallmarks that perpetrators use against their victims:
Denial of Events: Repeatedly denying things the victim knows happened (e.g., “That never happened”).
Distortion of Facts: Twisting details to make the victim seem irrational or overly sensitive.
Projection: Accusing the victim of actions or traits the gaslighter is exhibiting.
Minimizing Emotions: Dismissing the victim’s feelings or responses as exaggerated or unwarranted (e.g., “You’re overreacting”).
Creating Confusion: Giving contradictory information to destabilize the victim’s sense of certainty.
Isolation: Undermining the victim’s trust in others to make them increasingly reliant on the gaslighter.
Shifting Blame: Making the victim feel responsible for the gaslighter’s behavior or the situation (I told you to stop nagging me but you didn’t. It’s your fault I hit you).
If you’ve ever been a victim of gaslighting, you know how infuriating it is to look back and wonder why you ever doubted your intuition, your perspective, or yourself. I understand because I’ve been there.
My father used gaslighting throughout my childhood and then I found myself in a relationship with a gaslighter. Thank goodness for therapy because it helped me recognize the patterns of gaslighting, helped me work on my self-esteem, and taught me how to establish boundaries (more on that later).
So why do certain people use gaslighting while others don’t?
Why people use gaslighting
People use gaslighting because they have a desire for control and power. Some common motivations include:
Maintaining Control – By making someone doubt their reality, the gaslighter gains dominance in the relationship.
Avoiding Accountability – Gaslighters distort facts to escape responsibility for their actions.
Manipulating Perceptions – They create confusion to distort how others see things.
Boosting Self-Esteem – Some gaslighters use it to feel superior or in control of others.
Protecting a False Narrative – Whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or political settings, gaslighters construct false stories to serve their own interests.
Did you catch that?
“..gaslighters construct false stories to serve their own interests.”
It’s always about them and never about you. That’s why the victims of gaslighting are the ones who suffer the most.
Psychological impacts of gaslighting
Victims of gaslighting often experience emotional and psychological harm like:
Erosion of Self-Confidence: Doubting your own thoughts and decisions.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: Constantly second-guessing interactions.
Depression and Hopelessness: Feeling powerless or trapped.
Cognitive Fog: Difficulty concentrating or trusting your memory.
Loss of Identity: Over time, you may feel disconnected from yourself.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Relationships and support systems suffer because who can you trust?
And I can tell you as a therapist that once a gaslighter has done his/her damage, the psychological impact is long-lasting and hard to untangle but with therapy, you can overcome it.
You deserve to live a life free of psychological harm or abuse.
In my next post, I’ll share specific examples of gaslighting concerning:
family
medical
workplace
friendships
government
culture and
gender dynamics.
This will help you identify gaslighting as it’s happening. I’ll also discuss how to set boundaries with gaslighters (you don’t want to miss this part).
In the meantime, here’s a journal prompt for you:
Write about a specific situation where you felt manipulated or doubted your own reality. What were the red flags?
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Be well, friends,
Kim
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