Backward Facing Therapy gives you behind-the-scenes stories from my time as a therapist and therapy client. It’s soulful and transformative mental health content from my couch to yours. You can support my writing by becoming a paid subscriber or sharing this post. I’m so happy you’re here. Sit by me.
Right before I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I had a thriving career as a mental health therapist, a great group of friends, money in the bank, and an active social life.
I was in pain a lot, tired all the time, and my brain felt like it was failing me.
It took several visits with various specialists before I would receive a diagnosis. During this season of searching, my boss told me that whenever I needed time off, let him know and he’d approve it immediately.
My coworkers pitched in and helped facilitate my therapy groups, updated, and maintained my appointment book.
“Whatever you need, Kim. Just let us know.” That’s what they said.
And my friends? They encouraged me to keep searching until I got answers.
They cheered me on by offering rides to doctors’ appointments, made me home-cooked meals, and lent me an ear when I needed to vent.
After almost a year of specialists, I finally had an answer. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
Like a bad TV commercial, “But wait! There’s more!”
Four months later, I was diagnosed with the whopper, Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.
By this point, my health had gotten so bad that I knew I could no longer keep up with a full-time work schedule so I requested a switch to part-time.
My boss denied it.
“This facility doesn’t employ part-time therapists.”
I submitted my letter of resignation.
Thankfully I still had a private practice with a handful of clients but I’d have to acquire more to keep the bills paid. I was a single parent with rent and a kid to feed.
When my coworkers found out I had submitted my resignation because of MS, it was like a persona non grata switch had been turned on.
“How does MS prevent you from working here but not in your private practice?”
Trying my hardest not to be snarky, “There’s a big difference between working sixty hours a week versus twenty hours a week. Wouldn’t you agree?”
About two months later, I found myself sitting at home, by myself. I was no longer a full-time therapist.
I no longer had a full-time income.
I no longer had a private practice because medication side effects made it impossible for me to practice part-time.
My identity? Gone.
My income? Gone.
But the one that hurt me the most?
Friends? Gone.
People stopped calling to check in on me. Texts were no longer returned. Social invites were no longer received. Home-cooked meals vanished.
And despite being a therapist, I blamed myself for their abandonment.
Can you believe that? I blamed myself. It’s stunning for me to type that statement out. Hello, faulty thinking.
Without my job, my income, my friends, and my social gatherings, who was I?
I had zero fucking clue but one thing I knew for sure, I felt invisible.
After a period of mourning and adjustment, and when I was mentally/physically ready, I went in search of a new identity. I found an online support group that helped me get out of the self-blame phase.
I started a website, facilitated online self-help groups, and started writing.
Although I’m not a therapist anymore, the fact that you’re here reading this essay is proof that reinvention is possible.
To my kindreds living with chronic illness:
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” Brené Brown
Now is not the time to be your own worst enemy, critic, or nay-sayer. Speak kindly to yourself. You are a person with a chronic illness but that does not make you unworthy of love, kindness, and grace.
Set and maintain boundaries.
You do not need to answer strangers’ questions about why you’re using a mobility aid or parking in a disabled parking place (when authorized to do so) just because “you look perfectly healthy to me.”
When friends disappear during or after your diagnosis, do not chase them to come back. Let them go. Their season in your life has come to a close. Is that painful? Yes. But no good ever comes from begging people to stay.
If your spouse or significant other is not supporting you, or making negative or nasty comments, address it immediately. Sometimes the nasty comments come from a place of fear but if you want to have a healthy relationship, you cannot allow your significant other to make you feel like a piece of shit. You deserve to be treated kindly and with empathy. If things don’t improve, consider couples therapy.
You do not need to hear horror stories about your friend’s cousin with MS.
You do not need to sit and smile through unsolicited medical advice.
Rest is not a luxury. It’s a necessity. It took me a long time until I stopped feeling guilty about napping in the afternoon. Why? I was raised in a household where you were considered lazy if you did so. I’m definitely over that.
If a doctor minimizes your symptoms or indicates it’s all in your head, find another doctor. Seek a second or third opinion. It took five opinion visits for me to be diagnosed with the progressive form of Multiple Sclerosis and not the relapsing kind. I’ll tell you what though, at least I know my diagnosis is accurate. ;)
Love yourself enough to know yourself. Focus on points one and two above so that a new identity can grow from healthy soil where the sunlight lives. Embrace the small moments of joy and allow it to nourish you until it becomes a living part of you. Shed the old skin of fixed ideas, preconceived notions, and unhealthy boundaries. Make room for new dreams and hopes and relish the reborn skin you find yourself in.
You are worthy, you are worthy, you are worthy.
A therapeutic ponder
Here are three journaling prompts from my “Finding Yourself” journal. Use these as personal journaling prompts or answer in the comments.
What is one small step you can take today to live more authentically?
Are there any life areas (work, relationships, hobbies) where you feel you're not living your truth? How can you change that?
What societal or familial expectations do you feel pressure from?
Explore more
If you’re a paid subscriber, head to Kim’s Therapy Space to download a 113-page Finding Yourself Workbook to help you explore your values, morals, dreams, goals, and deepest desires. The prompts used in this workbook are similar to those I’ve used with clients (and myself), in the past.
Please take care of yourselves. You’re worth everything.
Kim
I just read this...wow. Primary progressive MS is tough. I have secondary progressive MS at this point, but had RRMS for years. I agree that taking care of yourself and rest are vital. I am thankful that I've found sturdy friends who didn't disappear, but I understand that this happens. Take care.
Welcome, Pamela! Fibro is something else, isn’t it? It’s not enough that the disease causes physical pain. The emotional pain (when “good friends” disappear), is an added bonus. 🙄
Welcome to my safe space of kindness and understanding. I’m glad you’re here. Truly. ❤️