Like everyone else, I have a few hobbies that I absolutely love. These hobbies are activities that bring me joy and nourish my soul.
For example, crafting makes me happier than a bird with a french fry. Seriously. I love to craft.
I also adore British TV.
Finding a new British TV series to binge on makes me forget time and place.
The PBS series Sanditon transported me to the beautiful seaside where I felt very Jane Austenesque. The show even gave me a few craft ideas.
And for those blissful hours, the chaos of the world did not exist.
Recently, as I started to work on one of those Sanditon-inspired crafts, the glue wasn't sticking properly, the material was lifting, and the craft looked nothing like I had envisioned.
Out of nowhere I heard, "you suck at this crafting thing" followed by an annoying "Why are you even bothering to try? You can't do it anyway."
The source of the voice surprised me.
It was a voice I hadn't heard in a long time.
It was that pesky inner voice of mine filled with negative self-talk.
Hello, old friend.
When and Why
Most of us have an inner voice (it's basically that voice in our heads that guides us regarding our beliefs, thoughts, behaviors, morals, etc.,}.
But, here's why everyone's inner voice is different:
it's subject to interpretation based on past experiences, biases, mood, and environment.
So that inner voice I was hearing telling me that I suck?
It is a perfect example of negative self-talk.
Now you might be wondering, why would a trained mental health therapist struggle with negative self-talk?
The crafting project wasn't going as planned so I was feeling frustrated (mood).
In my early 20's, I struggled with negative self talk every single day before therapy helped me resolve it (past experiences).
The chaos of the world has me feeling on edge in general (mood and environment).
In psychotherapy, negative self-talk is called a cognitive distortion. Basically, it's a type of thinking error, and this negative thinking arises from one of the many different types of cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions are distorted or irrational beliefs, but they can easily sound like the truth. They are automatic and you might not even notice when negative self-talk occurs or that it has an effect on your mood or feelings.
Thinking errors are not factual. There's usually no evidence to support them.
For example, there's no proof I suck at crafting. I have pages of successfully completed craft projects on my crafting website. Many have been shared on Pinterest thousands of times.
So here's the thing: one craft that doesn't go the way I planned is not what determines my value or self-worth.
It's simply a learning experience. Nothing more than trial and error.
Here's what I know
That negative self-talk I experienced came back at a time when I was already stressed.
And experience has taught me that if I ignored it was happening, it would just keep coming back.
And I'd be giving negativity free rent space in my head.
Similarly, do you know what would happen if I stopped paying attention to what I eat? I'd gain weight.
It's clear that when we stop paying attention to our mental and physical well-being, there are consequences.
And I don't know about you but I don't like consequences.
Going back to the "you suck" thoughts trying to move back into my head, I told them to take a hike. I don't associate with distortions or thinking errors.
I'm moving forward.
After a brief break from that frustrating craft project, I tried doing things a different way. I told myself that I could do it and that it did not have to be perfect.
After all that, the project turned out just fine.
It really is just a matter of perspective my friends.
Are you struggling with thinking errors? Do these types of thoughts ever run through your head?
I'll never amount to anything.
He probably thinks I'm ugly.
I'll never have the life I want.
I'm too stupid to figure it out.
I didn't get the promotion so I just know my boss hates me!
Of course I got a flat tire. This stuff only happens to me.
I should've done it differently. I'm an idiot.
These are all examples of negative self-talk. Yep.
What It Affects
The thoughts I listed above totally stink because they make people feel like crap.
When I heard, "you suck at this crafting thing" I immediately felt heavy-hearted and discouraged.
Why is that?
Because our thoughts affect our mood which affects our behavior and vice versa.
Read the sentence above, again. It’s important.
Once you understand how thoughts, feelings, and behavior are affected by one another, you can fix it.
The Good News
Positive|Negative self-talk is one of the things I helped my clients with when I was a practicing therapist. I remember telling one client in particular that self-care is a lifelong practice.
In other words, there will be a time when old dysfunctional habits rear their ugly head (usually when one is stressed, tired, or sick).
When those habits pop back in, we have to recognize them for what they are---old, bad habits---not truths.
That's right.
Negative self-talk is not a truth.
It's merely a thought.
Remember earlier how I said I went to therapy and got help for my negative self-talk? It transformed my life.
Actually, it saved my life.
If you'd like to stop the negative self-talk running through your head and kick that stinking thinking to the curb, I'm here to help.
Download my free five day workbook so you can:
Identify your own negative self-talk
Learn why it happens
Learn how to challenge it
Learn how to replace it and
Get actionable tips to make sure negative self-talk happens less or doesn’t happen at all.
The workbook is totally free and no additional sign-up is required.
Take some time to work through it and then come back here and give me your feedback.
<3, Kim
Thank you for this beautiful post, and this generous resource! Planning to write about negative self talk on my substack as well.