Self Confidence (What It Is + Isn't)
Plus, Ways To Improve Your Confidence That Actually Work
Backward Facing Therapy contains soulful and insightful stories from my time as both a therapist and a therapy client. Sit by me as we work on our mental health together. Paid subscribers get access to downloadable workbooks, worksheets, journals, and more in Kim’s Therapy Space.
Posts are informational and should not be considered a substitute for professional health care.
Self-confidence isn’t about arrogance or pretending you’re fine when you’re not. It’s not about doing things perfectly or strutting around like a peacock.
Self-confidence is a felt sense of trust in yourself.
It’s the belief that you can face the unknown, try something new, speak up for yourself, and survive missteps along the way.
It’s not about always being right, but trusting you’ll be okay, even when you're wrong.
But what if your inner critic is loud, your self-doubt is louder, and your nervous system feels shaky with each new step?
Thankfully, there are evidence-based ways to grow your confidence without pretending to be someone you’re not or pushing yourself so hard that you end up in shutdown or meltdown mode.
Side note: I’ve pushed myself into both shutdown and meltdown modes before, and I don’t want that for you. This is why I share my raw personal stories with you, clients’ stories, and evidence-based techniques.
I am rooting for you.
Okay, back to self-confidence.
What is Self-Confidence?
At its core, self-confidence is made up of three main elements:
Self-efficacy: your belief in your ability to handle tasks and challenges.
Self-worth: a felt sense that you are valuable and deserving of care, no matter what.
Self-trust: the ability to hear your inner voice/judgment/intuition and act on it, even when others disagree.
Since everyone is born with self-worth, self-efficacy and self-trust are both skills that you can practice and grow.
Evidence-Based Ways to Improve Self-Confidence
1. Mastery Experiences: Build by Doing
According to psychologist Albert Bandura, the most powerful way to boost self-efficacy (and thus confidence) is through “mastery experiences.” This means doing something difficult and getting through it.
Start with small, manageable steps:
Initiate a conversation even if it feels awkward.
Post your photos online without over-editing.
Say “no” to something that drains you.
With each follow-through, you reinforce the belief:
I can do hard things.
Confidence builds from repetition and recovery. Let yourself try, fail, and try again.
2. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts (CBT-based technique)
Self-doubt is often rooted in cognitive distortions: harsh inner narratives that aren’t objectively true but feel very real.
Negative self-talk, I’m looking at you.
Common distortions include:
All-or-nothing thinking (“I had a slice of cake at a birthday party. I’ll never lose weight. ”)
Mind reading (“They must think I’m stupid.”)
Catastrophizing (“I can’t believe I didn’t catch that spelling error. I’m going to get fired.”)
To counter cognitive distortions, question your thoughts:
What’s the evidence for and against this thought?
What would I say to a friend in this situation?
Is this a helpful or harmful story I’m telling myself?
When you examine your thinking in a gentler, more balanced way, you train your brain to think differently and not in absolutes.
3. Work with Your Nervous System
Confidence doesn’t just live in your mind; it lives in your body, too. When your nervous system is regulated, you’re more likely to confidently show up as yourself.
Somatic techniques that support confidence:
Grounding exercises (name your surroundings, touch something)
Power posing (open posture, hands on hips, lower cortisol levels) Source
Vagal toning: hum, sing, or take deep belly breaths to soothe your vagus nerve and activate your sense of internal safety. Source
Place a hand on your heart and affirm, It’s safe to be seen.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Research by Kristin Neff suggests that self-compassion fosters a more sustainable motivation than shame or self-criticism. When you treat yourself like someone you love, you’re more likely to try again.
Stop being your harshest critic.
Seriously. I get it.
I’m a trained therapist, and I *still* struggle with being my own worst critic.
But when we criticize ourselves for being human and having human emotions and human thoughts, we solve nothing because we’ll always be imperfect humans.
Let’s give ourselves grace and understanding instead.
5. Visualize Success (Guided Imagery Technique)
Athletes, performers, and public speakers often use visualization. Visualization acts as a mental rehearsal, allowing individuals to practice desired actions and outcomes in their minds. This can lead to improved performance and outcomes.
And what does improved performance lead to? Improved self-confidence!
6. Surround Yourself with Healthy Connections
Confidence thrives in connection, so spend time with people who value your strengths, cheer you on, and remind you that you’re already enough.
This isn’t about being praised constantly or being admired or envied.
Quite simply, it’s science.
Co-regulation to be exact.
Co-regulation is the nervous system’s ability to feel safer when around emotionally attuned, trust-worthy, affirming others.
In healthy relationships, co-regulation builds a foundation of trust, emotional safety, and attunement. When partners or loved ones respond to each other with empathy and calmness, the nervous system relaxes, allowing emotional repair and deeper bonding.
Have you ever felt more self-confident in the presence of certain people, but you don’t know why?
My dear reader, this is the co-regulation effect.
Please know that confidence doesn’t arrive all at once. You grow it in the moments you choose to act with courage and in the moments where you try, fail, and try again.
You don’t need to fake it.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You just need to keep showing up, one small step at a time.
PAID SUBSCRIBERS: I have uploaded a twenty-one-page Self-Confidence Journal for you to download. Click on the image above to head to Kim’s Therapy Space to download the PDF, or click on the button below.
◾️The Self-Confidence Journal includes the following sections:
Daily Confidence Booster
Weekly Confidence Reflection
Monthly Confidence Growth
Personal Confidence Journal Prompts
Celebrating Your Journey
Additional Prompts for Exploration/Awareness
This journal is a great starting point for awareness, reflection, and growth.
Please be kind to yourself,
Kim
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