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This time of year there is a plethora of posts titled “How to Cope with Family Stress During the Holidays,” “How to Cope with Thanksgiving Turmoil,” and my personal favorite, “How to Avoid Killing Your Family Over the Holidays.”
These types of posts often include suggestions like journaling, going to a quiet place to regroup, taking a hot bath, asking for help, etc.,
While these suggestions might help you short term, you’re going to have a long-term problem.
Why is that?
Because there are some of you reading this right now who repeat the same patterns year after year and then complain when things aren’t different.
For example, you wonder why you’re arguing with your significant other on Christmas Eve again, why you can’t stand up to your in-laws when they ask you “that question” again, or why you suddenly have the urge to “go cousin Eddie Griswold” after listening to your boss at the holiday party.
Look, I’ve been there. There was a time I called Thanksgiving the Tenth Ring of Hell * because of all the chaos (personal torture and embarrassment) that ensued.
But then, I learned the art of setting boundaries and conflict resolution.
I’ll be writing more about boundary setting in future posts, so today, we’re going to focus on conflict resolution.
Definition:
Conflict resolution is a way for two or more parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. The disagreement may be personal, financial, political, or emotional.
So what does conflict resolution have to do with the holidays?
Let’s explore some client examples from my years as a therapist…
“Every year my mother-in-law criticizes the fact that I work outside of the home and complains that some of my Thanksgiving dishes aren’t made from scratch. I’ve been biting my tongue but I’m about ready to explode. I feel ganged up on especially since my husband doesn’t speak up for me. What do I do?”
“I’ve been at the same job for thirteen years and every year at our Christmas party, my boss makes comments about my body or what I’m wearing. It’s humiliating and makes me feel awkward. He’s usually drinking when he says these things but I’m tired of dealing with it. Should I just let it go?”
“My wife makes more money than me and it’s never a thing until we’re around our friends at Christmas time. Out of nowhere, she’ll say things like, “Oh, I bought that. J. can’t afford that on his salary.” OR “We wouldn’t be able to plan for that summer vacation if it weren’t for my income because J. doesn’t make shit.” As a man, do you know how this makes me feel? Whenever I bring it up, we just argue so I stopped bringing it up but it’s affecting our relationship. Am I crazy?”
“Whenever my son throws tantrums or talks back to me, I put him in time out. My partner hates that I do this so he takes our son out of time out early. I told him to stop undermining my authority but he just ignored me. When I try to talk to him about it, he just walks away because he doesn’t like confrontation. How can we get on the same page parenting-wise?”
“My wife constantly accuses me of cheating on her. I’m not cheating on her but no matter how much I try to reassure her, it seems to just make her angrier. She even asked one of our friends on New Year’s Eve if “I was screwing someone else.” How can we work this out when there’s no trust?”
***Client details and statements have been altered to protect therapist-client confidentiality.
While I’m not going to go into detail on how we resolved the conflict for each client and their family listed above, I am going to talk about the basic steps of conflict resolution.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION STEPS
Determine what the real problem is
Is the conflict rooted in differing values or personalities? Does the conflict stem from miscommunication or unmet expectations? The answers to these questions will help you get to the underlying issue.
Open communication
This step isn’t just about speaking your mind. It's about ensuring that your messages are received and understood in the way you intended.
Set ground rules for the conversation. This includes allowing each person equal time to speak, agreeing not to interrupt each other, and committing to stick to the topic at hand (and not a grievance from six years ago).
Be an active listener. Active listening involves displaying empathy, acknowledging the other person's feelings, and asking clarifying questions when needed.
Communicate with respect. This involves using a calm and respectful tone, avoiding blame, and focusing on the problem, not the person. This can help reduce defensiveness and improve the potential for more honest communication.
Use “I” statements. Using "I" statements helps express your feelings and needs without placing blame on the other person. Instead of saying, "You always make me feel neglected," reframe it as "I feel neglected when I don't receive enough attention."
Understanding
Understanding isn't about agreeing with the other person or changing your stance to align with theirs. It's about developing a genuine comprehension of their perspective, their feelings, and the reasons behind their actions. This is where empathy comes into play (seeing the situation through the eyes of the other person).
One effective way to foster empathy is through reflective listening. This involves paraphrasing what the other person has said to ensure you’ve understood them correctly and to express empathy for their feelings. For example: "What I'm hearing is that you felt overlooked when I worked late. Is that correct?"
This technique allows for clarification, ensures that the other person feels heard, and shows that you are trying to understand their perspective.
Work Towards a Resolution
Aim for a win-win solution that addresses the needs and interests of all persons involved. Collaborate and brainstorm creative solutions that satisfy everyone's concerns. Look for compromises or alternative approaches that can lead to a mutually beneficial outcome.
It's common for people to stick to their initial positions during a conflict however, by understanding the other person’s interests, you are one step closer to a solution.
This is the time to turn the battleground into a meeting ground.
^^^Read that again. It’s important.
Reach an Agreement and Follow Through
To reach an agreement, it's important for each party to feel that the solution is fair and that their needs have been considered. The goal is not to have one person bending to the demands of the other but to find a solution that addresses each party’s needs and concerns.
You don’t know how many arguments I’ve witnessed in therapy where the main issue was one person didn’t feel like the other person was listening or attempting to understand them.
Acknowledging the feelings and concerns of another person you care about is a great way to build trust, respect, and foster communication.
So the next time Grandma May says that canned cranberry sauce isn’t real cranberry sauce and anyone that loves their family would’ve made it from scratch?
Try something along the lines of, “Grandma May, I love you but I work a full-time job and have two kids. They have homework and soccer practice and then there’s laundry and dishes. I don’t have time to make it from scratch (like you did) but when you say things like that, you hurt my feelings.”
Note that the response is clear and concise, fact-based, and uses neutral language. The speaker also verbalizes the hurt feelings to the offending party.
“Grandma May, maybe you’d like to make the cranberry sauce next year?”
“Of course, dear.”
If only all conflicts were resolved that easily.
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f**king Kaye. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
»»» Download our FREE e-book Tips For Navigating Conflict Resolution.
* A reference to the book Dante’s Inferno and the Nine Circles of Hell.
Be well friends,
Kim
Thank you for sharing such valuable insights, Kim! Conflict resolution during this holiday season is incredibly relevant. Looking forward to more insightful content from Backward Facing Therapy!
Always a wonderful and centering read!