This post is based on actual events but the referenced client is an amalgam of people to protect therapist-client confidentiality.
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“What kind of fucking therapist are you, anyway?” he asks in frustration.
“I just told you my kid hates me and you’re just sitting there. Tell me how to get my kid back. Tell me what to do, already!”
These were the words that Sam lobbed at me during our third session.
Sam came to see me because his relationship with his adult son became non-existent after he divorced his son’s mother and remarried within the year.
Sam said his adult son was gravely hurt by the divorce and the quick second marriage afterward. As a result, Sam’s son cut off contact with him and any attempt to rekindle the relationship was met with anger or silence.
Sam was feeling rejected, frustrated, and hurt which were uncomfortable feelings for him.
Sam was used to getting his way.
He worked as a CEO in a big, fast-paced company that suited his Type-A personality. Sam’s job involved “lots of demands and orders” with employees that were as Type-A as he was.
Unfortunately, Sam’s tendency to give demands carried over into his personal life, and it was not well received.
Sam admitted that he sometimes treated his ex-wife and son like employees instead of family. It was one of the contributing factors to his divorce and one of the topics we started addressing during our therapy sessions.
“Sam, you’re here to find out how to repair the relationship with your son, right?” I asked.
“Yes, of course.”
“I’m happy to work through that with you but here’s the thing, if I start giving you advice, I’m going to be your next problem. Do you know why?” I ask.
Sam looks at me confused and shakes his head no.
“If I start giving you advice, I’m doing you a grave disservice by making you dependent on me for answers to your own life and that’s not healthy. The answers you’re looking for are within you. I’m just here to help you bring them out.”
Sam looks at me, his forehead crinkled in deep thought:
“It’s kind of like that old saying, If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”
“Now you’re catching on!” I tell him.
Sam gets my pun, smiles, and replies, “I guess you’re not a rotten therapist after all.”
Over the span of fifteen years, there were probably ten or fifteen clients who directly asked me for advice and were frustrated when I did not provide it. In each case, I told them something along the lines of what I explained to Sam.
Sometimes it was met with frustration but mostly it was met with understanding.
So let’s get to the point:
Why don’t (most) therapists give advice?
More specifically, why did I not give advice to my clients?
It’s unethical. By giving a client advice, I’m imposing my own values, beliefs, and life history on the client’s life. The advice that works for me may not work for them and in some cases, it may actually harm them.
It sends a message that only I have the answers to their problems which creates an unhealthy dependence. As I said to Sam, “The answers you’re looking for are within you. I’m just here to help you bring them out.”
It sends an indirect message to the client that they’re incapable of problem-solving or sorting through their own thoughts and feelings. By not giving advice, I’m allowing my clients to work through their issues independently. When clients discover they’re capable. learn new things about themselves, and develop new coping skills, they feel empowered. Empowerment leads to growth, increased feelings of self-worth, and increased levels of self-confidence.
The majority of clients go to therapy because something is making them feel uncomfortable, confused, aggravated, sad, etc., Most people want these uncomfortable feelings to disappear ASAP so when they learn that they need to figure out the source of their discomfort (instead of the therapist telling them what the source of their discomfort is), they become motivated. Motivated clients are curious clients with a large capacity for growth.
I’ve been on both sides of the couch and I get it. The lack of advice can feel frustrating as a new therapy client but we do it for a reason. We want you to be the master of your own life by helping you understand where you come from and why you’re the way you are.
When clients feel empowered to understand their thought processes, the reasons for their behaviors, and the origins/triggers of their emotions, they’re in a position to change them.
I’ll give you feedback, therapeutic tools, tips and techniques, support and guidance, and a safe space, but I won’t give you advice.
And you know what?
After a few therapy sessions, you’ll realize that you didn’t need it anyway.
Be well,
Kim