Backward Facing Therapy gives you behind-the-scenes stories from my time as a therapist and therapy client. It’s soulful and transformative mental health content from my couch to yours. You can support my writing by becoming a paid subscriber or sharing this post. I’m so happy you’re here. Sit by me.
I’m not a morning person, but this morning felt like a joy. The sun was shining on the hollyberry bushes, pine trees, and my favorite willow tree, reflecting their silhouettes in the melting pond. The sparrows were happily chirping as they nibbled on the birdseed, presenting itself underneath the melting snow.
Yes, this day was a gift.
After two days of dark skies, torrential rains, thunder, lightning, and chill-you-to-the-bone temperatures, I was ready to get outside and embrace my joy.
Warmly protected in my winter jacket, I inhaled the fresh winter air and started walking. With the sun beaming down on my face, I sipped my hot latte and reveled in the feeling of contentment.
About ten minutes into my walk, I noticed a man jogging towards me on the opposite side of the street. Despite the cold air, his forehead glistened in sweat. He nodded as we locked eyes, and I had the urge to say something about the weather, but I noticed he had earbuds in, so he likely wouldn’t hear me.
After a few more steps, I came across a pair of squirrels chasing each other while simultaneously burying acorns. As I stood there delighting in their play, a thought popped into my head:
It must be nice to exercise with earbuds in.
And not worry about your safety.
It must be nice not to ponder if the music in your ears is masking the footsteps of a stranger approaching you.
A stranger who intends to do you harm just because you’re a woman out on your own, doing a thing that people do every single day.
A stranger who sees you’re vulnerable.
When I was in elementary school, a group of police officers came to our school to talk about personal safety. There had been a rash of sexual assaults in the area, and the police officers wanted to give us tips so “you won’t become a victim.”
“Don’t play outside alone (especially if you’re a girl).”
“Always tell a family member or friend where you’re going.”
“Don’t walk outside with your Walkman headphones on because you can’t hear someone approaching you.” ***High five to my fellow Gen Xers who know what Walkman’s are.
“If you’re a girl, don’t wear short skirts or walk around in your bathing suit. Cover up.”
This was the 1970’s. I might’ve been seven years old. Don’t think those words and fear didn’t stay with me.
In the early 1990s, when I walked into my apartment bedroom, and a guy I used to date popped out from behind my bed, it reaffirmed how much I needed to stay alert.
How much I needed to be aware of my surroundings.
Because I’m a female, the danger is always lurking.
In the mid-1990s, I worked in the Felony Division for the Clerk of Courts in Palm Beach County, Florida.
The case files that came across my desk have stayed with me to this day. There were murders, vehicular homicides, violent robberies, sexual assaults, and aggravated child abuse.
In the police reports, I would come across statements like:
“She made me do it.”
“She wanted it.”
“She’s just a hooker.”
“She didn’t say no.”
“She was drinking and flirting with me. I thought she wanted it.”
In 1991, when I went to the police station to report my assault, the officer told me, “It’s your word against his, especially since you used to date. How do I know that it wasn’t consensual sex that got rough?”
According to the Department of Justice:
The term “sexual assault” means any nonconsensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.
Nowhere in that definition does it state anything about how the victim was dressed, how much she had to drink, whether she was flirting or not flirting, if she did or did not have a history of promiscuity, if she knew or did not know the perpetrator, or whether or not she was walking alone.
Yet, to this day, from the moment a woman reports she’s been sexually assaulted, her story is dissected, doubted, and aspersions are cast.
And if she’s brave enough to go to court like E.Jean Carroll?
Defense lawyers and the public will discuss how she dresses, who she’s dated, where she goes, who her friends are, how attractive or unattractive she is, whether she was drinking alcohol or not drinking alcohol, and why she waited so long to report it.
Why is the burden always on women to protect themselves from men? Why must we take safety classes, carry pepper spray or firearms, guard our drinks in a nightclub, and call a friend after we get home from a date?
Here’s a novel idea. Let’s teach boys and men to respect women.
Let’s teach our sons boundaries so they turn into men with boundaries.
Men, model boundaries for your sons and their friends.
How?
Start with these boundary-setting suggestions
Stop telling women to smile.
No means no, even if she’s smiling, drunk, or high.
A woman wearing a short skirt does not mean she is seeking your attention. She’s simply wearing a short skirt.
Stop telling women that they’d be pretty if they’d only lose a few pounds.
Pay women the same wages as men.
A woman walking down the street does not need your whistles, lewd comments, or stares.
Stop shaming women for “being sluts.” Why is sleeping around celebrated amongst men yet shamed when it’s a woman? Double standard.
Don’t confuse bitch with assertive.
Don’t comment on whether or not “It must be that time of the month.”
Don’t stalk, harass, or follow women.
If a woman walks into your auto repair shop, don’t speak down to her, demean her, or treat her like she’s stupid.
Fathers, let your little girls play with trucks and dinosaurs.
If your daughter comes to you and says that your brother, neighbor, or friend is touching her inappropriately, don’t shrug it off. Believe her and report it to the police.
Men, if you see another guy harassing, intimidating, or being inappropriate with a woman, say something. Don’t just walk on by.
Stop expecting women to look like the women on television, in movies, or in porn.
Do not equate a woman’s beauty with her level of intelligence.
Men, voice your support for the elimination of the pink tax.
Don’t shame women for breastfeeding in public.
No, she’s not “just a mom.” She’s a freaking superhero.
A woman should not have to work twice as hard in a male-dominated field just to be respected. If she has the qualifications, she should be respected, period.
A woman’s weight, hairstyle, clothing, and makeup do not require your input at work, at parties, or on social media.
One day, I hope to live in a world where I can put my earbuds in, go for a walk, and not worry about being someone’s prey.
It really shouldn't be this hard.
Be well,
Kim
Welcome, Susan! Thank you for your kind words.
Unfortunately, I have MS also. It’s rotten, isn’t it?
I’m glad you’re able to use your skills by doing coaching. That must be rewarding.
Thanks for being here.
I'm sorry to hear of your terrible experience (assault), and think this post is important. We have some things in common. I have a counseling background (I earned my MS in Counseling in 2000), too. I worked in the prison system for few years in my early 20's just because the job had good benefits. I learned a lot in that job. It's tragic how many women are victims of sexual assault at some point in their lives. So much trauma that needs healing...and I agree. Would like to see these traumatic experiences prevented more often.
I have multiple sclerosis so I am not doing counseling now, though I like to write about related topics, too. I do see some coaching clients part-time still and really enjoy using my skills still. Glad to discover your Substack. Walk-mans are familiar to me...maybe we're similar ages. Looking forward to reading more of your work.